Life, man.

I haven’t ever understood the meaning of busy until this summer. I have a full time job that requires cross country traveling, a boyfriend with a schedule almost as crazy as mine, parents that miss me and want me home as much as possible, two best friends counting the days until we have to be separated again, and Charlie the cat who just wants some lovin’.

Life is moving fast.

My best friend is moving back to Florida in less than a week and I think we have hung out a total of six times this summer. I have been thinking for the past week about how all of the above mentioned people must be so disappointed in me. I have been absolutely wearing myself out trying to see everyone and do everything. It is just impossible!

Growing up sort of sucks.

A huge part of me wants to get engaged tomorrow, be married by next summer, and have my first baby and a home within a couple years. I want to start my life with Taylor. I don’t want to have to eventually say goodbye every time I see him.

The other part of me wants to go back a few years. Before things got so messy. When the goal of summer was to get tan and spend as much time as possible with friends. When did things suddenly change? Why do I feel like the only one with an overwhelming cloud of adulthood looming over me?

I suppose my biggest fear in all of this is that I will spend so much time trying to please everyone else that I will miss out on life. The other side of that is to do whatever I want and potentially lose people that I love.

I am a textbook over-thinker.

The bottom line is that I love the people in my life. I wish I could be with them more often. I want to be close to them and love them back the way I feel they have loved me all my life. I have been trudging through such a mess of relationships and beliefs by keeping my head down to fight through these past couple of tough years. Sometimes I look up and realize the only reason I haven’t fallen yet is because I have this amazing network of love surrounding me all the time.

So thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me. And for believing in me enough to love me even when I struggle to return that love. It hasn’t been an easy two years, and I don’t know when that will change. I am just forever grateful for all of you amazing people.

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